The first thing you have to understand about this wretched, piss-soaked meeting is that it should have never happened. Not in a rational world. Not in a world where men are measured by their actions.
On one side: Volodymyr Zelenskyy, standing in his olive drab fatigues—Churchill with a modern haircut—the man who told the world “I don’t need a ride, I need ammo,” and meant every syllable. He had led his country through hell, faced down Putin’s death squads, watched his cities turn to rubble, and still hadn’t flinched.
And across from him, sitting like two bloated housecats who had just swallowed the family goldfish: Donald J. Trump and J.D. Vance—two men who wouldn’t know real courage if it crawled up their pant leg and bit them on their dessicated ball sacks.
Trump is a draft dodger and a coward
Trump, of course, had that same vacuous, glassy-eyed smirk, like a man who just sharted in an elevator and is waiting to see if anyone notices. He had dodged Vietnam on a fake doctor’s note, built a fortune on bankruptcy fraud, and now spent his twilight years selling his own country’s security to whatever foreign dictator was willing to flatter him for five minutes.
Next to him, nodding like a lobotomized chimp, was J.D. Vance—the Hillbilly Elegy guy, the man who once claimed to be an independent thinker before strapping on his MAGA kneepads and crawling into Trump’s lap like a whipped dog.
And this spineless, doughy-eyed sycophant—this quivering mound of bureaucratic Jell-O—had the unmitigated gall, the sheer, blithering arrogance, to dodge a trip to Ukraine because he figured he could soak up the carnage from the comfort of his leather chair, watching war on YouTube.
That’s right. Videos.
Imagine the sheer cowardice of it. Real men are fighting and dying in trenches, and this Ivy League-dipped, shit-stained scarecrow is at home watching YouTube clips like a high schooler cramming for a history exam.
Russian Agent
Of course, Trump’s presence in the room was a joke in itself. A man who spent four years snuggling up to Putin like a drunken debutante, selling out NATO, and slobbering over every authoritarian on the planet now had the balls to sit across from a man who had actually stood up to tyranny.
And the question nobody dared ask was: How much of Trump is still bought and paid for?
Because let’s be honest—the evidence stacks up like cheap steaks at a Mar-a-Lago buffet.
- The Helsinki disaster—Trump stood next to Putin and took his word over America’s intelligence agencies.
- The gutting of NATO—a four-year campaign to weaken U.S. alliances while letting Russia do whatever the hell it wanted.
- The Russian money swirl—his real estate deals dripping with dirty oligarch cash like a busted gas pipe in Siberia.
If Trump wasn’t a direct Russian asset, then he was the next worst thing—a useful idiot too stupid to realize he was selling his own country out for a few flaccid handshakes and a couple of cheap compliments from the Kremlin.
And the most terrifying part?
A massive chunk of America is just fine with that.
The Last Goodbye
Zelenskyy shook their hands. It was a handshake that should never have happened. It was the kind of handshake a man gives to the drunk uncle at Thanksgiving, the one he knows he has to acknowledge but deeply, deeply resents.
Trump grinned his stupid, vacant grin, probably wondering when he could leave and order a cheeseburger.
Vance, limp and spineless, initially just nodded along. At some point in this miserable farce, J.D. Vance must have decided that his usual role as Trump’s obedient little lapdog wasn’t degrading enough. And so, like a bullied kid offering to do his tormentor’s homework, Vance puffed out his chest and tried to lecture Volodymyr Zelenskyy—a man who has personally stared down Russian assassins—on how he should run his war.
Where Trump grabs women by the pussy (as a prelude to rape) JD Vance is a cuckold, which by an unsurprising coincidence is the most popular search on Pornhub in Vance's home state of Ohio.
And somewhere in Ukraine, a soldier was waiting in a trench, rifle in hand, listening for the next wave of Russian artillery.
J.D. Vance would watch it later.
On YouTube. Or Pornhub.