Buckle up, buttercup. The Great Ocean Road isn’t just a scenic cruise—it’s a rollercoaster carved out of Australia’s southeastern cliffs, where every turn dares you to flirt with disaster and every mile serves up enough ocean views to make Instagram crash. Stretching 151 miles of jaw-dropping coastline, this isn’t a road—it’s a rite of passage for anyone who thinks they’ve got what it takes to tango with Mother Nature and a full tank of gas.
Step One: The Bike, Harley-Davidson v Triumph Tiger
First, you’ll need the right bike. And by “right,” I mean something comfortable, powerful, and less likely to disintegrate under stress than your last relationship. This road doesn’t just want a bike; it demands a machine—a partner that can laugh in the face of kangaroo crossings and shrug off a little coastal grit.
A Harley-Davidson Road King isn’t just a motorcycle—it’s a leather recliner with a V-twin engine strapped underneath. It’s the Cadillac of the open road, designed to let you cruise those coastal curves in comfort, even if your backside is less "rider" and more "couch potato." With its low-slung seat and torque for days, the Road King takes the steep climbs and endless curves of the Great Ocean Road and makes them feel like a lazy afternoon drive—minus the screaming kids in the backseat.
But maybe you’re not the kind to lounge your way through life. Maybe you want a machine that looks at the Road King, scoffs, and mutters, "Hold my beer." That’s where the Triumph Tiger 1200 roars in. This adventure bike isn’t just rugged; it’s a Swiss Army knife on two wheels. Nimble enough to thread through traffic, powerful enough to tackle steep inclines, and equipped with enough bells and whistles to make Taylor Swift jealous, the Tiger 1200 practically begs you to detour through the Otways for some dirt-road fun. And let’s not forget its most vital feature: the smug satisfaction of knowing you could outrun that lumbering RV ahead of you without breaking a sweat.
Step Two: Timing Is Everything
Australia doesn’t just have weather—it has Weather with a capital W, the kind that’ll either fry you, soak you, or leave you dodging lightning bolts like a cartoon coyote. Aim for spring or autumn, when the temperatures are manageable, and the skies aren’t actively plotting your demise.
Start early. The sunrise light turns every bend into a postcard, and finishing before dusk means avoiding the nocturnal kamikaze critters who think your headlight is an existential threat.
Step Three: The Ride
Your odyssey kicks off in Torquay, a surf town where the air reeks of sunscreen and dreams of catching the perfect wave. From there, the Great Ocean Road hugs the coastline like it’s afraid of heights, with the Southern Ocean to your left and eucalyptus-covered cliffs to your right. It’s all glorious until your first hairpin turn makes you realize this isn’t a video game—you can’t hit reset if you screw up.
The bends come thick and fast, alternating between exhilarating and outright terrifying. Guardrails? Sometimes. Sheer cliffs plunging into the ocean? Always. Keep your ego in check and your throttle steady—this isn’t the place to play Fast & Furious.
Step Four: Stop and Smell the Ocean
You didn’t come all this way just to white-knuckle it the whole time. Pull over. The Twelve Apostles—those towering limestone stacks rising out of the ocean—are mandatory. Yes, there are only eight left (erosion sucks), but they still deliver enough wow factor to justify a selfie.
Hit Apollo Bay halfway through. It’s the kind of sleepy coastal town where fish and chips taste like heaven and every fellow rider at the café feels like an old war buddy. Stretch your legs, swap some tall tales, and pretend you’re not dreading the next leg.
Step Five: The Otways
Beyond Apollo Bay, the Great Ocean Road takes a detour into the surreal. The coastline gives way to the Great Otway National Park, a green cathedral of towering trees and misty ferns. It’s less "road trip" and more "trippy fantasy novel," complete with shadows deep enough to hide a dragon—or at least a particularly aggressive wallaby.
The curves are gentler but tighter, and the air smells like damp earth and adrenaline. If the coastline was a show-off, the Otways are all about subtle, eerie beauty—a reminder that nature doesn’t need to scream to be terrifying.
Step Six: Wrapping It Up
The road eventually dumps you out in Allansford, a town so small it makes a postage stamp look spacious. Celebrate your survival with a flat white at a local café while your legs wobble like overcooked spaghetti. By now, you’ll have earned the right to reflect. The Great Ocean Road wasn’t just a ride—it was a full-contact sport, a sermon on the gospel of the open road.
Advice for the Bold
Gear Up. The Australian sun is less a celestial body and more a death laser. Wear breathable gear, slap on sunscreen, and invest in sunglasses that don’t make you look like a bug-eyed alien.
Know the Rules. Aussies drive on the left, and speed cameras will gleefully ruin your day if you forget. Play it cool.
Stay Alert. Wildlife is cute until it’s airborne and in your path. Brake, swerve, and possibly scream.
Embrace the Stops. The Great Ocean Road isn’t about racing—it’s about living. Take your time, savor the views, and let the salt air blow away whatever’s been weighing you down.
Why Do It?
Because some roads don’t just take you places—they change you. The Great Ocean Road is more than a stretch of asphalt. It’s a proving ground, a love letter to the wild, and a masterclass in why we ride in the first place. Years from now, you’ll bore your grandkids with tales of cliffs, curves, and courage, and you’ll do it with a grin that says, "Hell yeah, I did that."
So, saddle up. The road’s waiting. Are you ready to meet it?
(My sources are your sources - Learn more: Lazy Trips, JGCH, Australia.com, Far Out Travel, Charismatic Planet, Explore Melbourne, Discover Walks, Site Seeing Tours Australia, Our Wanders, Geology Page, Great Ocean Road Tours Map, Great Ocean Road Insider, Where Down Under, Way and Farer, and the ever available Wikipedia.)