By Moxie Davenport

There is a certain kind of reckless, coked-up nihilism that creeps in when you hand the keys of government to a billionaire with a God complex and too much ketamine in his bloodstream. First, it’s the flashy pronouncements about “efficiency” and “innovation.” Then, it’s the secret backroom deals.

It's a short step from there to describing your critics as Untermensch.

Madness often grips Oligarchies in their final stages, when the money stacks too high, and the sycophants grow to bold, and laws no longer apply. But that usually takes years, even decades.

America’s newborn oligarchy, barely three weeks old, is already waddling on legs of greed and stupidity—top-heavy, bloated, and stumbling straight for the cliff.

Meanwhile, Elon Musk’s DOGE—a hellish Frankenstein of corporate hubris and digital anarchy—belched classified U.S. secrets onto the internet with all the grace of a ruptured sewer main. We know this thanks to excellent reporting from Huffington Post, and due to the bravery of its sources.

America’s sacred intel, once guarded with the paranoia of Cold War spooks, now gushed forth in a toxic torrent—raw, rancid, and impossible to mop up.

That’s right. State secrets, left out in the open like a cheap hooker’s phone number on a bathroom wall.

Military surveillance data, personnel records, intelligence assessments stamped NOFORN—meant to be kept out of the hands of foreign nationals. Now? God only knows who’s downloaded it. Chinese intelligence? Russian cybercriminals? Some random 15-year-old in a basement in Ohio? Take your pick.

And the official explanation? A “misconfiguration.”

That’s the kind of word you use when you accidentally order a cheeseburger without pickles, not when you spill classified intelligence across the open web.

The House of Cards Collapses

DOGE was supposed to be Musk’s masterpiece—a Department of Government Efficiency that would streamline bureaucracy and drag the U.S. government into the future. Instead, what he built is a digital dumpster fire.

Cybersecurity experts take one look at the DOGE website and start sweating. Open databases, unpatched software, weak access controls. The system isn’t even hacked—it doesn’t need to be. It’s so poorly secured that a stoned teenager with a Wi-Fi connection could wander in and pull whatever the hell they wanted.

“It was wide open,” one analyst says. “Like finding a bank vault with the door hanging off its hinges and a neon sign flashing ‘FREE MONEY.’”

The U.S. government, in all its wisdom, put national security in the hands of tech bros who think a firewall is something you put on a Tesla.

The Muskian Empire of Lawsuits and Grift

Elon Musk is no stranger to lawsuits. His companies pile up legal trouble like a degenerate gambler stacks bad bets. Consider:

• SpaceX fined for hiring discrimination.

• Tesla sued for lying about autopilot safety.

• Twitter (sorry, X) slapped with federal penalties for violating privacy laws.

And now, DOGE—this latest hallucination of government efficiency—is being sued by 14 state attorneys general who argue that Musk’s control over federal data is a constitutional train wreck. They’re trying to strip him of the power to issue government directives and block DOGE from accessing sensitive Treasury records.

Why? Because handing Musk unrestricted access to government secrets is like letting a raccoon run a nuclear power plant.

And let’s not forget Tom Krause—Musk’s hand-picked man at the Treasury Department, who is somehow running DOGE while still being CEO of a private company called Cloud Software Group . If that sounds like a conflict of interest, that’s because it is. But Musk’s empire doesn’t recognize conflicts of interest. It just bulldozes over them.

The Fallout: America on the Edge of a Nervous Breakdown

So where does this leave us? Chaos, obviously. The feds are scrambling, the intelligence community is in full-blown panic mode, and somewhere in Washington, a four-star general is staring at a briefing folder labeled “DOGE Leak” and muttering “Jesus Christ.”

The worst-case scenario? China, Russia, Iran, and North Korea have already copied every single document that was exposed. The Pentagon now has to assume that anything that was on that server is fully compromised.

And Musk? He’s probably going to tweet something glib. Maybe a meme. Maybe some half-assed comment about how “government is the real problem” before jetting off to another taxpayer-funded SpaceX launch. The Tesla stock price will spike, some Redditors will scream about “FUD,” and the whole crooked machine will keep moving forward.

Final Thoughts from the Eye of the Storm

The lesson here is simple: Never let billionaires run the government.

Especially billionaires with messiah complexes.

Especially billionaires who surround themselves with “efficiency experts” who don’t know the difference between cybersecurity and a USB vape charger.

The DOGE disaster isn’t the last screw-up we’ll see—it’s just the latest in an ongoing farce. And the worst part?

It’s only going to get worse.

Want to learn more. My sources are your sources (except for the confidential ones): New York Times, Huffington Post, Wired, The Revolving Door Project, Mitrade.com, AP, Time, Newsweek, NPR, Colorado Newsline, ="https://www.forbes.com/sites/mollybohannon/2025/02/13/14-states-sue-doge-and-elon-musk-over-his-unconstitutional-authority-heres-what-to-know/">Forbes, Civil Rights Org, Reuters, Fortune and OPB.org